The is a Running Visual Joke that occurs during the Opening Credits of many episodes of '' The Simpsons ''. In this gag, Bart Simpson is frowning while he writes a unique phrase on the Chalkboard repeatedly; when the school bell rings, he immediately becomes glad, stops writing and runs out of the classroom. The phrase is usually in the form of an admonishment, implying that Bart has been assigned this task as punishment in Detention .
Despite their presentation here, the chalkboard gags are actually written in upper case (with the exception of the word " EBay ," in which Bart included a lower case "e".)
While running visual jokes in ''The Simpsons'' are rarely referred to by the content of the show itself, in the episode Skinner's Sense Of Snow , Bart says that he had written on the chalkboard so many times that his hands sound like a cement mixer.
In the early days of the series, a chalkboard gag was used in almost every episode, but, as Commercial time has increased, they have gradually disappeared. They are now shown as rarely as twice per season. The show's producers have said that they may soon disappear altogether.
- I will not waste Chalk
- I will not Skateboard in the halls
- I will not burp in class
- I will not instigate revolution
- I will not draw naked ladies in class
- I did not see Elvis
- --- (he means he didn't see Elvis Presley )
- I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
- Garlic gum is not funny
- They are laughing at me, not with me
- I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
- --- (a reference to " Shouting Fire In A Crowded Theatre ", a phrase used describing limits on Free Speech )
- I am not a Dentist
- Spitwads are not Free Speech
- Nobody likes Sunburn slappers
- High explosives and school don't mix
- I will not squeak chalk
- --- (Bart indeed makes the chalk squeak during the scene)
- I will finish what I sta
- --- (does not finish)
- "Bart Bucks" are not Legal Tender
- --- (a reference to Community Currency )
- I will not fake Rabies
- Underwear should be worn on the inside
- The Christmas pageant does not stink
- I will not torment the emotionally frail
- I will not carve gods
- --- (a reference to the Second Commandment )
- I will not spank others
- I will not Aim For The Head
- --- (used for baseball-themed episode Homer At The Bat )
- I will not barf unless I'm sick
- I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
- I will not conduct my own fire drills
- Funny noises are not funny
- I will not spin the turtle
- I will not snap bras
- I will not fake seizures
- This punishment is not boring and pointless
- My name is not Dr. Death
- I will not defame New Orleans
- --- (an apology to the people of New Orleans after offending them through song in the previous episode)
- I will not prescribe medication
- I will not bury the new kid
- I will not teach others to fly
- --- (same as a Season 2 chalkboard gag, only with "encourage" changed to "teach")
- I will not bring Sheep to class
- A burp is not an answer
- Teacher is not a Leper
- Coffee is not for kids
- --- (each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scribble)
- I will not eat things for money
- I will not yell "She's dead" during roll call
- The principal's Toupee is not a Frisbee
- I will not call the principal "spud head"
- Goldfish don't bounce
- Mud is not one of the 4 Food Groups
- No one is interested in my underpants
- I will not sell Miracle Cures
- I will return the Seeing-eye Dog
- I do not have Diplomatic Immunity
- I will not charge admission to the bathroom
- Beans are neither fruit nor musical
- --- (a reference to the childhood song '' Beans, Beans, The Musical Fruit '' which Bart sung in the episode Whacking Day which caused him to be expelled from a Christian school)
- I will not use abbrev.
- I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
- I will not send Lard through the mail
- I will not dissect things unless instructed
- I will not Whittle hall passes out of soap
- --- (possible reference to Woody Allen in '' Take The Money And Run '' or Flowers In The Attic )
- Ralph won't Morph if you squeeze him hard enough
- Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the principal
- "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
- Cursive Writing does not mean what I think it does
- --- (in a later episode, Bart is placed in a remedial class when it is revealed he cannot understand the teacher's cursive)
- Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
- I will not hang donuts on my person
- I will remember to take my medication
- I will not strut around like I own the place
- The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
- I do not have Power Of Attorney over first graders
- Nerve Gas is not a toy
- I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
- The First Amendment does not cover burping
- This is not a clue...or is it?
- --- (the gag for the season finale, " Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One")
- I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
- --- (the gag for the season premiere, "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two", which answered the question with an unexpected character)
- " Bewitched " does not promote Satanism
- No one wants to hear from my armpits
- I am not a lean mean spitting machine
- The boys room is not a water park
- Indian Burns are not our cultural heritage
- Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
- I will only do this once a year
- --- (a reference to Clip Show s, or to self-congratulatory retrospectives)
- I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
- --- (Reference to the infamous "12-inch pianist" joke)
- I am not certified to remove Asbestos
- I no longer want my MTV
- --- (a reference to the "I want my MTV" slogan from the 1980s, and perhaps to MTV's declining popularity in recent years)
- Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
- --- (a reference to the urban legend that Richard Gere was injured pursuing A Deviant Sexual Practice Involving A Gerbil )
- I did not invent Irish Dancing
- I will not tease Fatty
- --- (possible reference to the novel '' Lord Of The Flies '')
- There was no Roman God named "Fartacus"
- Rudolph 's red nose is not alcohol-related
- --- (possible reference to Eddie Murphy 's parody of Gumby on Saturday Night Live , shouting ''"We all know why the nose is red, Rudolph!"'' while making a drinking gesture)
- Shooting Paintballs is not an art form
- Pain is not the cleanser
- Silly String is not a Nasal Spray
- I was not told to do this
- My butt does not deserve a website
- I will not demand what I'm worth
- --- (a reference to the cast's salary dispute with Fox)
- I will not mess with the Opening Credits
- --- (in place of a Couch Gag , the family runs into Bart's classroom to see him writing this)
- I am not the new Dalai Lama
- I was not the inspiration for " Kramer "
- --- (aired three days after the last episode of '' Seinfeld '')
- The Simpsons Halloween Special IX
- --- (Bart writes this in blood with a brush)
- I will not file Frivolous Lawsuit s
- "butt.com" is not my E-mail address
- --- (was changed to "butt.butt" in reruns, because butt.com actually exists as a Porn site)
- No one cares what my definition of "is" is
- --- (a reference to a quote from former president Bill Clinton during the Lewinsky Scandal )
- I will not scream for ice cream
- --- (a reference to the traditional College Cheer ''I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream'')
- I am not a licensed hairstylist
- "The President did it" is not an excuse
- --- (aired the day after Bill Clinton was impeached)
- My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
- Sherri does not " Got Back "
- --- (a reference to the song by Hip Hop artist Sir Mix-a-Lot )
- I will not do the Dirty Bird
- --- (a reference to the victory dance of the Atlanta Falcons ; used in a Super Bowl episode in which the Falcons were one of the teams competing)
- No one wants to hear about my Sciatica
- Hillbillies are people too
- Grammar is not a time of waste
- It does not suck to be you
- I cannot absolve sins
- --- (used in an episode about Bible stories)
- A trained ape could not teach gym
- Loose teeth don't need my help
- I have neither been there nor done that
- I'm so very tired
- --- (marks the end of Bart's tenth season of writing chalkboard punishments)
- Fridays are not "pants optional"
- Pork is not a verb
- I am not the Last Don
- --- (a reference to Mario Puzo 's novel, '' The Last Don '')
- I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
- I won't not use no Double Negatives
- I can't see dead people
- --- (a reference to the line "I see dead people" from the movie '' The Sixth Sense '')
- I will not sell my Kidney on EBay
- I will not create art from dung
- --- (a reference to Chris Ofili 's controversial painting, "The Holy Virgin Mary," in which The Titular Figure is adorned with actual elephant feces)
- I will stop phoning it in
- Class clown is not a paid position
- Substitute teachers are not scabs
- My suspension was not "mutual"
- A belch is not an oral report
- Dodgeball stops at the gym door
- " Non-Flammable " is not a challenge
- I was not touched "there" by an angel
- --- (a reference to the TV show '' Touched By An Angel '')
- I am not here on a fartball scholarship
- I will not dance on anyone's grave
- I cannot hire a substitute student
- I will not obey the voices in my head
- I will not plant sublimin messa''''''s
- --- (a reference to a Republican TV spot during the 2000 US Presidential Election where an extreme close-up on the word "BUREAUCRATS" caused a subliminal "RATS" to flash for one frame)
- I will not surprise the Incontinent
- I am not the Acting President
- --- (at air time, the 2000 election remained undecided)
- I was not the sixth Beatle
- I will only provide a urine sample when asked
- The nurse is not dealing
- Science class should not end in tragedy
- Network TV is not dead
- I will not " Let The Dogs Out "
- --- (a reference to the song by Baha Men )
- I will not hide the teacher's medication
- I will not publish the principal's Credit Report
- The hamster did not have "a full life"
- I will not buy a Presidential Pardon
- --- (a reference to controversial Pardons granted by Bill Clinton on his last day in office, many of them allegedly connected to contributions to his campaign or the Democratic Party )
- " Temptation Island " was not a sleazy piece of crap
- I will not scare the Vice President
- --- (reference to Dick Cheney 's heart condition; he was briefly hospitalized the week before this episode)
- I will not flush evidence
- Fire is not the cleanser
- Genetics is not an excuse
- Today is not Mothra 's Day
- --- (this episode aired on Mother's Day )
- I should not be twenty-one by now
- --- (Bart has, in fact, stayed 10 years old throughout the series and ''should'' have been 21 by this point)
- Nobody reads these anymore
- A burp in a jar is not a science project
- Fun does not have a size
- I am not Charlie Brown on Acid
- --- (a reference to " South Park ", which the creators described as " Peanuts " on acid)
- I do not have a Cereal named after me
- --- (at the time this episode aired, Bart actually ''did'' have a cereal named after him: "Bart Simpson Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch")
- I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfinger s
- --- (despite having lent its characters to a number of Butterfinger commercials, the series drew Nestle's ire by insulting the candy in the previous episode)
- The giving tree is not a chump
- --- (a reference to '' The Giving Tree '' by Shel Silverstein )
- Making Milhouse cry is not a science project
- Vampire is not a career choice
- I will never lie about being cancelled again
- --- ( Matt Groening sparked a press frenzy when he mused in the Financial Times that the show was "closer to winding it up"; he quickly retracted this comment and assured the world that "''The Simpsons'' will be having new adventures long after I am in my grave")
- Over forty & single is not funny
- I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be
- Poking a dead Raccoon is not research
- Beer in a milk carton is not milk
- A Booger is not a bookmark
- Does any kid still do this anymore?
- I am not smarter than the President
- --- (a reference to George W. Bush , whose intelligence lack thereof is a frequent target of jokes)
- Teacher was not dumped — it was mutual
- ---(Possible in-joke to My Big Fat Geek Wedding )
- I will not eat things for money
- --- (brought back from a season 4 chalkboard gag; filmed for a live-action recreation of the Simpsons opening sequence which was initially meant for use as a promo and not as part of the actual show)
- I will not flip the classroom upside down
- --- (the classroom is indeed upside down, with Bart standing on the floor-turned-ceiling the outside of the school remains unaffected, and Bart emerges right-side-up ; even the chalkboard writing is upside down from the viewer's perspective)
- Duchess is not my mother
- ---(used as a promo with a Couch Gag to where Homer beats up Duchess and throws her out the window, The Simpsons guest stared on Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends XP also used as promo for the episode Duchess of Wails with The Simpsons as the cast for example Homer as Mr. Herriman, Marge as Duchess but without the flat look ,Bart as Wilt smaller verson, Lisa as Frainkie, Maggie as Felix Herriman)
This chalkboard gag appeared in a recent episode of '' South Park '' entitled Cartoon Wars Part II . It reads
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