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Jim Gaffigan (born July 7 , 1966 in Chesterton , Indiana ) is an American Stand-up Comic . His comedy routines often include him doing the voice of a supposed audience member commenting on his performance. He is also known for making fun of Hot Pocket s, usually likening them to "a Pop-Tart filled with really nasty meat." He often begins his routines with, "Don't worry, I've never heard of me either."

Gaffigan first began performing stand up comedy on January 27, 1991 in New York City. In 2000, he had a short-lived series on CBS in 2000 called ''Welcome to New York'', which co-starred Christine Baranski ('' Cybill '') and Sara Gilbert ('' Roseanne ''). The following year, Gaffigan starred in Ellen DeGeneres ' short-lived second Sitcom , called '' The Ellen Show ''. In 2003/2004 he appeared in several episodes of the Television show '' That '70s Show ''.

In 2006, Jim Gaffigan appeared on commercials.


QUOTES


  • "Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, you can be a genius, but when you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye'."

  • "I watch a lot of T.V., I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin ."

  • "You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

  • "My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant'."

  • "It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia; 4-H ."

  • "There's a different kind of pride where I'm from. It's not like, 'We're from New York; we're tough.' or, 'We're from Texas; we like things big.' It's more like, 'We're from Indiana and... we're going to move!'

  • "I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"

  • "Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden , and my mother was Elton John . He was a very good mommy!"

  • "Isn't it strange, when you're single, all you see is couples, but when you're part of a couple, all you see are Hookers ?"

  • "I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning on the side. It's like 'Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly enjoy the next NASCAR event!'"

  • "I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

  • "Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'"

  • "Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!"

  • "I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad, it still smells like fish?! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"

  • "There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like Diarrhea ."

  • "What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, "Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, dunk it in a toilet."

  • "My wife always wants me to go to confession - don't get me wrong, it's not as if I don't ENJOY lying to a holy man."

  • "Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'"

  • "Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?"

  • "I'm blind bald and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene."



DISCOGRAPHY


More Moo Moos (2003)

#An Interview With the Producer
#I Am Nothing
#Illegally Blind
#Film Director
#My Baby's Moma
#Hey Good Looking
#Intermission One
#Speak English
#Dumb Traveler
#Learning to Walk
#Baby's Grama
#I'm a Bad Cuddler
#Bed Time
#I Love Spell Chek
#Intermission Two
#Calling From a Well
#Yeah Right, Sea Cow
#Crazy Jim Head
#For the Next Joke
#Intermission Three
#I Love Doing Nothing
#An Interview With a Manatee


The Last Supper (2003)

#The Food Network
#Late Night Eater
#American Eating
#All You Can Eat
#Cinnabon
#I'm a Vegetarian
#Food Critic
#Special Menu
#Your Waiter
#Wine Menu
#Appetizer
#I Love Bread
#From Entrée to Dessert
#Caliente Pockets
#Let's Talk Jesus
#Talking to Moses
#Respect for the Pope
#A Letter From Peter
#Radio Call: "Don't Talk About Jesus"
#Interview: Part I
#I Love Salads & Bars
#Grocery Store
#The Corruption of Granola
#Interview: Part II
#More Watery Water
#Interview: Part III
#Gravy and Cheese
#Country Crock
#The Mexican Conspiracy
#Drinking & Chatting
#Drunk Eating
#Jim's Homemade Hot Dog Recipe


Doing My Time (2004)

#Elton John
#Recessive Genes
#Got Married
#Having My Baby
#Beautiful
#Midwest Thang
#Hoooot Pocket!
#Future Pope
#Slumberland
#Guy With The Red Umbrella
#Anti-Reading
#I'm a Manatee
#Gravy Drinker


Beyond the Pale - CD (2006)


#Opening
#I Love Food
#Packaging
#The Grocery Store
#Eat Like An American
#Food Fast
#Delivery
#Spray Cheese
#Case Against Cinnabons
#Dessert
#Cake
#Holidays
#Presents
#Eat Vegetarian
#Steak And Salad
#Eat Healthy
#Hot Pockets
#Weird
#Catholic
#Heaven
#Jesus, Mary And Joseph


Beyond the Pale - DVD (2006)


DVD includes an additional half-hour of material not featured in Comedy Central one hour special.

Bonus Segments

#Mr. Chicago – Jim tours Chicago on day of his DVD taping.
#Eat Dinner with Jim – Enjoy a hot pocket with Jim.
#First Stand Up Performance {Link without Title} – See Jim sweat!
#How to Break Into Stand-Up Comedy – Jim plays a character with all the answers.
#A Short Cartoon of Jim.
#Jim Makes the News

DVD Tracks include several
not on Comedy Central TV Special

#OPENING
#I LOVE FOOD
#PACKAGING (not on TV special)
#THE GROCERY STORE (not on TV special)
#EAT LIKE AN AMERICAN
#FOOD FAST (not on TV special)
#DELIVERY
#SPRAY CHEESE (not on TV special)
#CASE AGAINST CINNABONS (not on TV special)
#DESSERT
#CAKE
#HOLIDAYS
#PRESENTS
#EATING OUT (not on TV special)
#VEGETARIAN
#STEAK AND SALAD (not on TV special)
#EAT HEALTHY (not on TV special)
#HOT POCKETS
#FILM DIRECTOR (not on TV special)
#DOING NOTHING (not on TV special)
#EMAIL (not on TV special)
#WEIRD (not on TV special)
#CATHOLIC
#HEAVEN
#JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH


EXTERNAL LINKS